To Grandma

Was listening to this song by Christina Aguilera "Hurt" and somehow it bring up an emotional of me that i just feel that i should write about

Dear Grandma

"Seems like it was yesterday that i saw your face
You told me how proud you were but i walked away
If only i knew what i knew today...
I would hold you in my arm
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgiving my mistakes...
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there"

You have always been the pillar in my life, teaching me everything through your life and being there for me everytime i need you the most... Sorry for not being a good grandson to you and sorry for being able to make it in time to see you 1 last time... Sorry for making you worry and not visiting you as much as i can... Now that you have gone... I miss you so much... A picture of you is always in my room reminding me of you and the things that you have done for me... I love you Grandma and i always will... Nothing mean more to me than to see you again... I really hope that i can be by your side more often then... Sorry for not being there... GRANDMA!!!

I remember clearly your teachings and the things you have told me... I am who i am today because of your teaching. I am who i am because of your forgiveness... When i was rebellious, you never hesitate to keep me in my line... You never once scolded me, or hit me once... You have love me unconditionally and selflessly to let me learn what i did in the past was wrong..But yet i was so stupid to see it...

I still remember clearly when i was doing my final before my PSLE, i was so angry with mum and dad that i purposely failed all my subjects... But instead of scolding me, you tell me this

"This is your life you are talking about.. Mum and Dad give birth to you but they will not be with you for the rest of your life... You need to do what is right for you... Nobody can help you walk your life except you..." And because of this, i understand I need to do it for myself and not for Mum and Dad... I understand that there is only so much Mum and Dad can do for me and i have to make it work myself...

You have always been supportive in every single decision or direction that i have made... Eventhough it may be a wrong one but then you never say "NO" to me because you know that making mistakes is part and parcel of life and i will grow wiser with every mistakes that i made.
I guess i am just to stubborn to realise it...

When you are in hospital fighting for your life, i was at reservist... When the phone rang, I picked up and hear the hospital telling me that you are in critical condition... I immediately try to rush out of camp as soon as i can.

But just as i got on the cab, they called again... Telling me, you have left... I do not know how to react, tears just flowed... The moment the cab arrived at the hospital, I just went bersek...

I ran and ran and ran hoping that you will wait for me... Hoping that i can hold your hand and see you one last time and be there for you... The first person i saw when i come out of the lift is Ah Bao... I saw him crying and telling me you have really gone... I still cannot believe it myself... I shouted I want to see you... You will not leave me like this... You will NOT DO THIS TO ME!

When Ah Bao was leading me to you, I saw Mum, Dad, Sisters and everyone else crying... Then I realised you have really left me... Everything happen too fast for me... You are gone... I hold on to your luke warm hand, and just break down uncontrollably...

Just like the song, you always tell me how proud you are of me but i never treasure it... Now that you have gone, I wish i can just have another chance to hear it from you again... But i guess it will never happen.

After you have gone, I went into depression... I was basically a walking zombie.. I even tried to end my life... I find that my whole world have collapsed... I have no meaning to live on anymore... But time after time, i was saved...

Missing you is the only thing i can do to remember you... I cannot deny even until today after so many years, I will always cry whenever you come to my mind... I never forget you and your teaching.. You will always be in my mind forever and ever and ever...

Grandma I Love You...

I know you been looking after me even you have left me... That why i was saved time and time again...

Thank you for your love and your teaching.

Love,
Grandson