Love Is... (Part 57 - The Truth 3)

Kenny was shocked to see Jason sitting in the living room… For a good 5 min, the atmosphere in the living is just silence nothing more than silence… Nobody said a single word… Kenny just stood there motionless; Darryl and Jason just sit on the couch… Finally the silence was broken…. Darryl stood and walk toward Kenny…

“He’s looking for you… I’ll clean up the mess” he said and walk past Kenny… Darryl was in the kitchen when Kenny followed him in….

Kenny: “Can we talk about this?”
Danny: “Your friend is waiting for you…”
Kenny: “Can we please talk about this?”
Danny: “Your friend is waiting for you… I’m going back to my room… Let me know when to clean up…”
Kenny: “Please… “
Danny: “I’ll go clean up now so you can have your conversation… Won’t be long…”

Kenny tried to hold on to Darryl but Darryl shakes it off and head out to the living room… Kenny stood at the same position when Darryl walks back in… Darryl throws everything into the rubbish bin and head back into his room… Kenny does not know what he is going to do now… He walked to the living room and talk to Jason…

Darryl does not know what their conversation is about but he heard Jason asking Kenny not to leave him and stay with him… Jason was devastated when Kenny insisted to not see him again…The cries of Jason hit Darryl so deeply that he walked out of his room as he had made a decision… He opened the door and see Jason crying at the side of the couch while Kenny stood at the windows… Kenny walked up to Darryl…

Darryl: “I out, Jason… You can be with Kenny from now on…”
Jason: “Really? You will do that so we can be together… Kenny, did you hear that?”
Kenny: “What are you talking about?”
Darryl: “I have decided to end this relationship with you… Good luck…” Jason walked up to Kenny and hug him tightly… Kenny pushed him away and look at Darryl…
Kenny: “Don’t I have a say in this?”
Darryl: “No… You have betrayed our commitment to each other…”
Kenny: “You never even hear my side of the story and you just decided to end it because of what he says?”
Darryl: “It more than I should know…” Kenny walked up to Darryl and holds his hand but again Darryl shakes it off…
Kenny: “Please… Can we talk about this?”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “Please…”
Darryl: “No… I go and pack up your stuff…”

Darryl turned and walked back into the room… But Kenny hold on to him, Darryl once again shakes it off… Kenny tried again but Darryl shakes it off again… Kenny refused to let Darryl go back into the room…

Kenny: “Please don’t leave me…”
Darryl: “Sorry…”
Kenny: “Please don’t leave me…” Kenny give Darryl a tight hug…
Darryl: “Let go of me…”
Kenny: “No… I am not going to let you leave me…”
Darryl: “Let go of me…”
Kenny: “No… Please… Let make things work… I’m sorry but I cannot let you leave me…”
Darryl: “I said LET GO OF ME!!!! TAKE YOUR DIRTY HAND AND BODY OFF ME…” Kenny finally let go… Darryl turns and looks at him…
Kenny: “Please… Let talk about it…”
Darryl: “There is nothing to talk about… I have decided… “
Kenny: “You have decided? You have decided? Then what about me?”
Darryl: “You have forfeited your say in the relationship when you sleep with him…:
Kenny: “I was drunk and it was a moment of weakness… I regretted it every day of it…”
Jason: “You regretted it?”
Kenny: “Yes… I never want this to happen because I only love Darryl and nobody will ever take his place in my heart… I’m sorry for what happen between us and you know I was drunk… but I guess you leave that part out from Darryl… Dear, please I really never meant all this to happen and I really regret that it has happen but I really don’t want to lose you… I don’t want our commitment to end…”
Darryl: “It’s too late… I don’t think I can see you the way it used to be anymore…You have betrayed our commitment… You have betrayed my trust in you… The ring on your finger means nothing to you… The vow you say all just lies… IT JUST ALL LIES!!!! HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME? HOW CAN YOU???”
Kenny: “No! No!! NO!!!... I didn’t lied to you… The vow, the commitment is all real and from me… I know I did something wrong and I know I have made a mistake but I really love you… I was drunk and I really do not know what had happen… You have to believe me…”
Jason: “Then what about me? You keep asking me out for chat and stuff… You means it all lies”
Kenny: “I didn’t want say I looking for a relationship… I was clear to you the first day we chat that I am just looking for someone to chat with… I love Darryl so much and I am at a loss of what to do when he committed suicide thus I just wanted to talk to someone… I never meant for you to fall in love with me… I never meant anything between us to happen… I’m sorry but I love Darryl and nobody else… I’m sorry…”
Jason: “You know I follow you here and waited patiently so that I can talk to Darryl… He already ended the relationship and why do you have to hurt me like this?”
Kenny: “I will do what I can to salvage it… Even if he wants me to cut off my hands and legs, I will do so… I love him… I’m sorry”
Jason: “You’re sorry… You think Sorry can undo the hurt and love I have for you…”
Kenny: “I’m really sorry but I don’t love you… I have done many wrong things in my relationship with Darryl and I have waited too long for him to say he love me… I have done wrong and I am not going to let go without a fight…”
Jason: “I am not going to let go too…”
Kenny: “Why do you have to do this?”
Jason: “Because I love you… I am not letting go…You will one day fine out that my love for you is much more than Darryl’s…”
Kenny: “It not a competition… I don’t love you…”
Darryl: “And I don’t love you anymore, Kenny… Take this ring and leave my place immediately… What you want to talk between yourself… What you want to do… Just leave me out of it… I am really not keen in listening to your conversation anymore… Just leave the keys behind and go…”
Kenny: “No… Please… Wait…”

Darryl walked into his room and closed it behind him… He locked the door… Kenny keeps banging on the door and asks Darryl to forgive him… Darryl did not replied and just break down and cried…

It hurts much more than anyone can imagine… The person that he loves, the person he committed to, the person he trusted in… Everything he dreams of on his future with this person all just vanished into the air…

“Maybe this is for the best…”

To be continue…

Love Is... (Part 56 - The Truth 2)

When Darryl reached home, Kenny was already sitting at the living room drying his hair while watching TV…

Kenny: “Hey, you back? Go get a quick shower and we will head out for dinner and movie”
Darryl: “OK…”
Kenny: “You ok? You don’t look that good…”
Darryl: “Just tired I guess…Crazy day today…”
Kenny: “That the case, shall we cancel? You go shower and I head out to pack dinner and maybe we stay home and rest…”
Darryl: “Its ok… I’ll be fine… Plus you have already gotten the ticket for the movie anyway…”
Kenny: “Small matter… I just don’t want you to tired yourself out…”
Darryl: “I’m OK…”
Kenny: “You go and shower and I will go get dinner… OK?”
Darryl: “But the ticket…”
Kenny: “Not to worry at all… Just go shower…”
Darryl: “OK…”

Kenny gives Darryl a hug and head out for to get dinner… Darryl was in the shower when the door bell rings…

*Ding Dong* Darryl quickly dried himself and head to the door... He looks through the peep hole and saw a young gentleman… He opens the door

“Are you Darryl? I’m Jason…” The young boy spoke…

Darryl was shocked and dumbfounded…

Jason: “Can I come in?”
Darryl: “Do I know you?”
Jason: “No you don’t but I know Kenny…”
Darryl: “He is not here…”
Jason: “I know…”
Darryl: “Then you should give him a call… Why come here?”
Jason: “Because I need to speak to you..”
Darryl: “For?”
Jason: “About us…”
Darryl: “Us?”
Jason: “Can I come in and we shall talk?”
Darryl: “OK…”

Even though Darryl roughly knows what is going on already but he asked himself to be composed about what Jason is going to say…

Darryl: “So how can I help you… Jason right?”
Jason: “Yes… “
Darryl: “What about us that you want to talk about?”
Jason: “I want you to leave Kenny…”
Darryl: “Sorry…”
Jason: “I say I want you to leave Kenny…”
Darryl: “Any good reason for that?”
Jason: “Because I love him…”
Darryl: “And…”
Jason: “I love him and it more than enough for you to leave him…”
Darryl: “How old are you? And how do you know Kenny?”
Jason: “19… I know him online few weeks back and we clicked the first time we met each other… but he changed when he is back with you… He keeps avoiding me and refuses to meet me…”
Darryl: “So you want me to leave him so he will back with you?”
Jason: “Yes…”
Darryl: “Why don’t you ask Kenny to leave me since you two click?”
Jason: “I did but he refused as he say you are the one he love…”
Darryl: “So you have already answer your own question… It makes no difference whether I leave him or he leaves me… He will not be with you….”
Jason: “No… He will be with me because I love him and he loves me until you appear in his life then he change…”
Darryl: “Why not you wait for Kenny to come back and then you ask him yourself?”
Jason: “OK… I will sit here and wait…”
Darryl: “I got thing to do so I leave you here to wait then…”

Darryl left him to sit at the living room… Although he looks composed but his heart was cracking with every single sentence Jason had said… Everything he thought about came true… Jason is not just a friend; Jason is here in his living room asking him to leave Kenny… They met online? Since when did Kenny start chatting online and why?? The puzzle is so messed up now and only one person can piece the puzzle together… But he wanted to know more about… The urge of wanting to know more pushed Darryl out of his room and into the living room once again…

Darryl: “Can you tell me more about Kenny and yourself?”
Jason: “Sure… I met Kenny in the chatroom by chance… He seem depressed and looking for someone to chat with… So I reply… As our conversation goes, I get more and more attached to this person I am chatting with. Thus I ask to meet up and he agreed… We met up for a drink and continue our conversation… He say thing like he madly in love with someone but this someone keep hurting himself and he wondered whether his love will be reciprocate by that person… He is puzzled...”
Darryl: “And then…?”
Jason: “Nothing much we just keep talking until the wee hours… I am very attracted to him the very first moment I saw him… And the conversation only made it more attracted to him… Yes, I know it weird but I just believe it love at first sight…”
Darryl: “I c….”
Jason: “We meet up for a few times after that and I am really drawn to him and one thing lead to another… We make the most passionate love that I ever have in my life… It was unbelievable… But I know that he is not the same person after that… And that is the one and only time, we did it… It feels like he feels guilty for cheating on the person that don’t love him at all… And since then everything change… 2 days ago, he meet up with me and said he cannot do this anymore as he really love you… I don’t understand what he means… We are ok before that until the sex then everything goes downhill…”
Darryl: “I c…”
Jason: “Do you love him?”
Darryl: “Yes…”
Jason: “Do you still love him now you know about me?”
Darryl: “I don’t know…”

The sound of unlocking the door was heard….

“Dear, I back… I bought….” Kenny looked up and saw Jason… The food was dropped onto the floor….

To be continue…

Love Is... (Part 55 - The Truth 1)

The next day, Darryl still unable to get the sms and the phone conversation out of his mind… But there was really a point of time, the angel tells him that he should just trust Kenny that Jason was just a normal colleague but the devil tells him to find out who this Jason is… It a total conflict of what he should do… The more he listen the angel, the devil will just hit him even harder to find out the truth… In the end, the devil wins…. Darryl started to scheme up a plan… He called Kenny and asks him for lunch the following day…

The following day, time seems to go by very slowly second by second… No matter how busy Darryl was, he just couldn’t concentrate… He told himself that he need to know the answer but why is time going by so slowly today…

Finally its lunch time, Kenny picked Darryl up and went to Westin Stamford for a nice lunch… They chatted and updated each other of their work as it been kind of a long while they can sit down to chat… Most of the time, its Darryl who trying to avoid seeing Kenny… But somehow, this lunch brought of them even closer since grandma passed away…

This is the first time, Darryl opened up to Kenny about everything including the part where he deliberately avoids him… Kenny was upset in the beginning and the situation turn a bit hostile as Kenny was angry about Darryl’s action but holding grudge was too much a hassle for Kenny and he understand why Darryl is doing this thus after a while, the ice is once again melted…

It was a happy lunch for both of them until sms alert goes off…

*Beep Beep*... Kenny picked up his phone and read the sms… Looking at Kenny expression, Darryl is certain that it was from Jason…

Darryl: “Who is it? Your office?”
Kenny: “No… Just my friend…”
Darryl: “I c… He wants to meet up with you…”
Kenny: “Yup but I told him I was busy tonight…”
Darryl: “Are you?”
Kenny: “Yes… I want to spend the rest of my day with you… I want to go movie with you tonight… May I have the pleasure?”
Darryl: “Hmmm… Let me see my schedule…”
Kenny: “Don’t care… We going to movie tonight because I have already book the ticket”
Darryl: “You always do this…What if I cannot make it or I am still…”
Kenny: “You forget I can check your schedule from you know who…”
Darryl: “There is no way for me to reject you right?”
Kenny: “Well, you are my lover… Of course you can reject me but do you bear to do so?”
Darryl: “Of course… I….”
*Beep Beep*

Sms alert again… Kenny checks out the message but did not reply to it…

Darryl: “Not replying?”
Kenny: “Don’t bother…”
Darryl: “Sure?”
Kenny: “Absolutely…”
Darryl: “Think we should get back to work… It kind of late…”
Kenny: “OK… What time I should pick you up later?”
Darryl: “You pick me from home… I will drive the car home first…”
Kenny: “OK… Dear, promise me…”
Darryl: “What?”
Kenny: “Talk to me and don’t avoid me anymore… Can? I love you…”
Darryl: “OK… Let’s go”

Kenny drives Darryl back to work… Along the way, at least 2 more sms were received… Every time the sms alert goes off, Darryl heart skipped once as he know that it was Jason but yet Kenny seems a bit annoy by the sms… This drove Darryl suspicion even deeper as he is very sure that there is something on between Jason and Kenny… Inside Darryl’s mind, the devil is laughing out loud…

It’s 6pm and Darryl receives a sms from Kenny saying that he is already on his way to Darryl place and will wait for him at home. Darryl quickly packed up and leaves the office… Just then, another sms came in… It was from Kenny again but the sms read

“Stop contacting me. It’s over already. So get over it and don’t hold on to the past…”

Darryl was puzzled by this sms but he is sure that this sms is not meant for him… So he replied “Think you sms the wrong person...”

Within seconds, Kenny replied “Sorry, enter your number by mistakes…” The content of the sms coincide with what Kenny has said before…

The angel tells Darryl that what Kenny said might be true, that is why he sending sms to the friend to ask him to get over it… Darryl begins to believe that Jason was just a friend… But the devil thinks otherwise, he say that Kenny was just trying to end the fling with Jason but Jason refused to do so... What is what? The conflicts between these 2 feelings are just too much… Darryl is unsure of what to do… But in the end, the urge to find out seems stronger…

“I guess I just need to find out the answer so that I can really put this to rest…” Darryl says to the angel… Angel finally agreed but tells Darryl not to go overboard with his actions as it may jeopardize the relationship… Darryl promised…

To be continue…

Happy or Sad

Today will be a big challenge to me for my emotions... It's gonna stretch me to the extreme...

I am confused whether i should go to either one but i guess a promise is a promise... I promise X that we will go to a birthday chalet together today but then X is no longer around to go with me anymore...

Today at 2pm will be X's funeral... And almost each night, i will make myself to the wake to at least be there for the family even for just a short period... Plus i really miss having X around... He is always the joker among my group of friends...

We actually plan a prank for the birthday guy but now eveything change...

I am not sure how i will be feeling or how i should be feeling... Is it better for me not to go to the birthday party... Or should i not go for the funeral... I know i will be sad cos today is the last day i will ever see my friend again... But am i able to suppress the sadness and just be happy during the chalet...

I am really lost... I don't know how i should be feeling... I am crying and typing at this moment...

I am lost... 2 different situations, 2 different feelings.... Can i achieve it and be both of each of them? Or should i just give up on one? Or should i forgo both? What can i do now?

I miss you, X... Hope you can hear me from where you are... :(

Love Is... (Part 54 - Suspicion)

Many of the friends who say Darryl and Kenny together like they used to be thought that Darryl has actually gotten out of depression… But not known to then is that Darryl was just trying to hide his real feeling… Thing between them has taken a toll as well since Darryl suffered from depression…

He started to see less and less of Kenny, in fact if possible not see him at all as he feel extremely exhausted to be pretending every time he see Kenny… Pretend of what? Pretending to be OK and hiding his real feeling from Kenny… Why does he do that for? Because he promised Kenny that he is ok and will be ok and thus he need to put up this shield on him to shield how he really feel from Kenny…

But on the other hand, Kenny noticed that something not right about Darryl as most of the time, he keep mentioning that he is very tired and do not want to meet up… Kenny was puzzled about Darryl actions but he just doesn’t seem to be able to lay a finger on it…

This goes on for almost 3 months or so… Things just gotten worse by the day… Today, they were supposed to go for a birthday party together and Darryl give the same reason of being tired and not wanting to go… After much persuasion, Darryl decided to make the trip… Kenny head over to Darryl place and drove to the friend party…

During the 25 minutes of travelling time, nothing much was being exchange except for some simple conversation… A sense of awkwardness filled up the car…

*Beep Beep… Beep Beep* SMS alert from Kenny phone…

Kenny: “Dear, can you get it for me? Likely is the guys checking out when we reaching…”

Darryl took the phone and wanting to reply but it was a sms from Jason and the sms read

“Dear, Will I be meeting you later… I kind of miss having you around me… sms me when you finish with him… Love U…”

Kenny: “Who that? Tell him we reaching in 5min…”
Darryl: “OK” Not knowing what to do with the sms… Darryl replied ok to this Jason…

“Who is Jason? And why he is calling Kenny “Dear”?” Darryl thought to himself and of course he will not get the answer… And not long later, another sms from Jason came…

“YEAH!!!... Love you… I get ready for you tonight and we shall have fun… Don’t be late… Wait for you at home…” Darryl does not know what to do anymore… He deleted the sms…

At the birthday party, Darryl tried to hide his feeling and all the questions that is in his mind with regards to Jason to himself and pretend to be a loving boyfriend to Kenny in front of everybody present… But Darryl was actually plotting on how to get Kenny talk about this Jason… So that night, he asked Kenny to stay with him…

Around near midnight when they just got home, they just finished shower together and lying on the bed when Kenny sms goes off…

Darryl: “Who’s that? So late…”
Kenny: “Just a friend asking for coffee…”
Darryl: “I see…”
Kenny: “Dear, I miss hugging you in my arms…”
Darryl: “I miss you too… Benn really busy lately… But now you are here with me…” Darryl gives Kenny a kiss and sms goes off again…
Darryl: “You want to give him a call or something… He seems like urgently looking for you...”
Kenny: “OK…”

Kenny went out to make the phone call… Darryl knows it not right to eavesdrop but he just wanted to know who this Jason is… Thus secretly, he follows out the room and hide at a place where he can hear Kenny… But all he hear was… “Stop calling me… I with my boyfriend place… You are disturbing me and him… So just stop calling… Bye”

Darryl went back to the room and lied on the bed pretending he didn’t leave the room… Kenny come back and lies next to him… He hold Darryl tightly in his arms…

Darryl: “So your friend ok?”
Kenny: “Ermmm…. Yup I guess…”
Darryl: “Who is he? Do I know him?”
Kenny: “No… He just a colleague who breaks off with his girlfriend… Need some consolation I guess” Darryl decided to push the limit further…
Darryl: “Hmmm… In that the case, I think you should go accompany him and give him the support…”
Kenny: “Huh?”
Darryl: “I mean he trusted you right… That’s why he calls you…”
Kenny: “He is just a normal colleague… That’s all”
Darryl: “You sure? Just a normal colleague…”
Kenny: “Yes… I going to off my hand phone so you can have me all by yourself… It been so long since we sleep in the same bed…”
Darryl: “Why not you ask him out tomorrow and we can meet up with him and console him together?”
Kenny: “HUH!! Erm…. Erm….”
Darryl: “What?”
Kenny: “I think he has his own friend to console him… So it should be ok…?”
Darryl: “I am ok to talk to him…”
Kenny: ‘No lar… It’s perfectly ok… I will let you know if he needs to talk…”
Darryl: “I am sure he will want to see me…Better go to bed…”
Kenny: “We are already in bed..”
Darryl: “Then go to sleep ba…”
Kenny: “Not yet… Something is not done yet…” Kenny gives out a cheeky smile…

Darryl knows what he is thinking but in Darryl’s mind, he wants to know this Jason guy and what relationship he is really have with Kenny… Somehow, it is a weird feeling sleeping next to Kenny again… But sleeping next to him makes Darryl feel safe and secure but the sms from Jason make Darryl very uncomfortable… Could it be like what Kenny said? Jason is just a colleague… But from the sms, it doesn’t seems like it…

“Who is Jason?”…..

To be continue

Goodbye My Friend

Last afternoon, i received a call from a friend (J) to inform me that a friend of mine (X) has passed away due to drug overdosed...

The new didn't hit me as i was really very busy with my work... But when i finally something to myself, I called my friend to find out more about what happen...

He told me that X was found died in his room from drug overdose when his mother visited him in the morning... I was furious as i thought as X has always been a fan for chem fun and i was furious by the fact that how can people leave him just like that without noticing that he was motionless... I am also sad as more than one time, i persuaded him to stop the fun as it will cause him his life before he knew it and seriously i didn't realise that what i say has come true...

Today while i was making my way to the wake, i got a call again from J and he inform me that X actually committed suicide... I was shocked by the news and i break into tears...

I can never imagine him committing suicide and WHY???

Nobody will ever know the answer except for the words he left behind for us...

"To family, Sorry that i have bring shame to all of you... I always love you all no matter where i am... Next life i still would want to be your family... I hope i can... Please forgive me for my actions

To friends, Sorry to leave all of you with only memories of me... Am happy to know all of you and hopefully you will have a fond memories of me... Goodbye"

That all he leave behind for all of us....

I always believe that NO THING IN THIS WORLD CANNOT BE RESOLVE... Now only tears and sadness surrounding all of us and we can only tell ourselves that he will be part of our life in memory

To X,

You will always be remember as a friend to me no matter where you are now... All the moments we share together will always be part of me and i will never forget you for the whole of my life.. I promise...

Love,

Gerald

Love Is... (Part 53 - Flashback)

Darryl didn’t sleep on that night… Kenny left him after tugging him to bed… He feel sad that Kenny asked for a break yet he feel relieved that he being left alone… His feeling is so confusing that Darryl breaks into tears again… He has forgotten how many times he had been crying since grandma passing on… He started to think of Kenny and what he has said…

A flashback down memory lane for the past 20 over years since he knows Kenny…

First day of ACS, Darryl was paired with a boy as buddy… But both of them just couldn’t click with each other… They fight and shouted at each other… Even their teacher could not take it and just 4 days into school terms, a transfer student from another class walk in and was made Darryl’s new buddy… His name is Kenny… (Yes, the teacher actually made a request to the principle to bring the arch nemesis apart by switching classroom)…

When Darryl first knows Kenny, he is this timid and quiet boy that will just sit in the classroom and not mingle with other people… Darryl on the other hand, is the devil of the class… But the relationship grew stronger over the years till ACJC… Even though in the process, they did not really talk about their sexual preference… Of course during the trial and error phase, they did try to date some girls before but nothing feels right for both of them…

Then come one day that Darryl decided to come out of the closet to Kenny… He remembered it was after his swimming training and Kenny was waiting for him. And there was the swimming instructor walking together with Darryl out the gate… Darryl introduces them and then bid goodbye to the instructor… It was then that Darryl come out of closet to Kenny that he and the instructor was seeing each other… He thought that Kenny will despise him but nope… Kenny come out on the same day too… And this got them even closer…

All these flashback from the coming out to the first break off to all the up and downs during their friendship lasted… Kenny has always been there for him and supported him in every single decision he made…

“Am I really too self centre? Is it too late for everything now?” Darryl thought but then he pick up his courage and decided to call Kenny…

*Ring Ring…. Ring Ring…*

Kenny: “Hello”
Darryl: “Dear...”
Kenny: “Yup… Everything ok?”
Darryl: “Yes… I just want to hear your voice…”
Kenny: “OK…”
Darryl: “I need to talk to you…”
Kenny: “Regarding… You want to go over now?”
Darryl: “No… We can talk over the phone… Don’t want you to rush…”
Kenny: “OK…Go ahead…”
Darryl: “Just now after you left me, I was totally lost without you around me… I had to have flashback on the things we done together over the years… From first knowing you, to our coming out together to now… I realize what you say have been totally correct… Most time, I only thinks for myself and forgets that you have been there for me since you appear in my life… When I need you most, you never failed to turn up next to me to lend me the shoulder or ears or anything you can give… But on the other hand, I was too busy with my work to be there for you… I’m sorry…”
Kenny: “Mmm Hmm…”
Darryl: “You know you make me realize that I have been a bad boyfriend to you… Never once I realize the love you have for me… I am sorry for not loving you for as much as you deserve…”
Kenny: “….”
Darryl: “I really think I can ever live my life without you in it… You been part of me since we first met this now… For the past 20plus years, you been my emotion, confidant my shoulder to cry on… And I don’t want this to end... I may not have say I love you everyday… I may not have showered with gift everyday… I may not have showed you the concern as much as you wanted me too… But I love you… Every time I say I wanted a break is because I don’t love you… Is more for me to organize myself around you… I’m sorry for hurting you with my actions… I am not asking you for your forgiveness and also not asking you… I’m sorry for not telling you earlier on how I really feel for you… You mean everything to me… And I really love you… I have say what I wanted to say to you… You rest early… Bye”
Kenny: “Wait….”

Darryl heard Kenny talking but he still hang up the phone… Within second, his phone ring… It’s Kenny…

Darryl: “Hello…”
Kenny: “I have yet to speak and you just hang up…”
Darryl: “Sorry…”
Kenny: “Thanks for letting me into your world… At least now I know it all worth it… I love you, dear…”
Darryl: “I love you too…”
Kenny: “I’m heading to the airport to send Robin off later then maybe I pop by to bring you some food…”
Darryl: “Thought he only leaving tomorrow…”
Kenny: “He said he have something on and need to go off soon…”
Darryl: “OK… Tell him I will visit him soon…”
Kenny: “OK… Promise me, don’t hurt yourself again…”
Darryl: “I promise…”
Kenny: “Love you always… I’ll see you later…”
Darryl: “OK…”

After the conversation with Kenny, Darryl feel a bit relieved but yet not all the feeling is gone… He still very messed up in every single way you can imagine…. From grandma to Robin to Kenny to…. The list goes on and on… But the news of Robin going off for something on make Darryl assume that he is going back for treatment…

To be continue…

Penny of Thought

I believe finding love is like finding
The perfect patch of sand on the beach

The area of the beach is so wide endless

From where i am

Along the way of me seeking my patch of sand

I encounter stone, broken shells and

Maybe even garbage which other left behind

but i keep on looking

With the hope that my perfect batch of sand

Will appear in front of me...

Finally, i saw it...

I walk slowly toward it with anticipation and excitment

Closer and closer, i get...

I stood in front of it

Pick it up with my bare hand...

But it keep slipping away through my fingers...

I tried again it slipped away

All of the sudden, i remember i have an empty bottle with me...

I run back to where i begin to get the bottle

Bit by bit, i scoop my perfect patch of sand into the bottle...

Love is like the perfect patch of sand in the beach... You keep looking and looking...You never realised that it is make up of lots of particles and it keep slipping away until you sccop it into the empty bottle and fill it up slowly...When u seal it tightly, it will be there... when u did not, it will still leak from the bottle the bottle is what we call us TRUST

Love Is... (Part 52 - Break)

The news about Robin being HIV positive had really pushed Darryl deeper into his depression… Robin made Darryl promise not to disclose anything to anyone including Kenny… No on suppose to know about his status as he do not want anybody to worry for him… Darryl agreed reluctantly… He saw the dejected face of Robin and want to encourage but he got tongue tied… He can’t find the right word to console or say… All he can do it ask Robin not to give up…

After Robin left, Darryl stared blankly at the cup in front of him… He took the cup and smashed it onto the floor… Furiously, he picked up the broken piece and repeatedly cutting himself on his arms with the broken piece of cup he is holding…

A nurse came rushing in and try to control him… Darryl struggle free and it was chaotic inside the room… More and more people come in… Darryl struggle to break free

“Let go of me! Let go of me!!”

And all of sudden, he started to lose his control and lean against the wall… He tried to stand up but he can’t… He is totally weaken… Vision started to blur… Noise started to soften as well… He tried to shout but nothing comes out…. Soon it was black out…

Darryl regains conscious... He saw Kenny...

Kenny: “What the hell are you thinking!?”
Darryl: “I don’t know…”
Kenny: “You promise me you will not going to do anything silly again… YOU PROMISE ME!!!”
Darryl: “I….”
Kenny: “No! You listen to me… You only care for yourself... You think only you are suffering from her death… You think only you cannot get over it… But have you think of the people around you…? Do you know I am feeling when the hospital called to tell me you are trying to kill yourself? Do you? Losing your grandma is already not easy for me and everyone else… IT’S NOT JUST YOU!!!... Can you imagine how it will be for us if we lost you too…? Can you imagine it? What is it going to be for me?? Can you?”
Darryl: “I…”
Kenny: “No… How can you be so childish? Do you really think that she will be happy to see you there? Do you really thin she will be? How can you just take your life so lightly? How can you? I thought you are mature enough to know that she will be at better place now than suffering in the hospital, getting poked by the needles and constant injection… I’m seriously disappointed in you… And I am sure she is too… The grandson she is so proud of and love so much actually don’t treasure his life… You have disappointed her love to you… Go do what you want with your life… I don’t think you will ever know how people who really love you feel of your actions… And this is only about me at this moment because I still have yet to inform your family member…”
Darryl: “Don’t tell them…” Darryl cried… “I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
Kenny: “Beside sorry… anything else…”
Darryl: “Sorry… I’m sorry…”
Kenny: “Enough… No point saying sorry after you hurt me with your action…”
Darryl: “Sorry….”
Kenny: “ENOUGH!!!... I don’t want to hear you say sorry… Can you imagine how would I feel now if you have died just now? Do you think you can still sorry now? I don’t want to hear sorry… I want you alive so that I can spend my future with you… Not you do silly thing already then say sorry… What if you never have a chance to say sorry anymore…? What if….? Forget it… No matter what I say, you will never understand… You will never know because you only think of yourself and you will never think of me”
Darryl: “….”
Kenny: “Since I know you, you always only think of yourself and how you want your life to be… I am just compromising because I love you… But I really don’t think I want to be around to see you to know that you have left me forever… You once said that with the ring on your hand, your commitment to me will not lessen… But this few days, I started to have doubt over it… Do you still mean what you have said…? If you do, then you will not do all these to hurt me…? I am confused…”
Darryl: “ I… I… It been a rough period for me… and I am really sorry that I have hurt you… I don’t know what is going on… I don’t know and sure anymore…”
Kenny: “You have never been sure since we started… Isn’t it? Since we started being together, you keep saying that you want to take a break because you are not sure of this, you not sure of that… Maybe now is the right time to take a break…”
Darryl: “…”
Kenny: “At this moment of time, I am the one not sure whether I can handle your silly actions anymore… It hurt me so bad that I don’t think I can take it seeing you lying motionless on the floor or the hospital calling me… I almost died seeing you like this… Plus I never thought I would have said this but I think this time round, you have to be on your own to understand the things you doing now is hurting me very much…”
Darryl: “Is that what you want…”
Kenny: “Frankly… No… But it the best for both of us… I also need time alone… I always love you and this love for you never lessens, it only grows stronger each day with you… That why it harder for me to know that you are not loving yourself as much as I am loving you…”
Darryl: “But why now…?”
Kenny: “It’s the best for us… I wanted to be here with you to help you through but no matter how much I tried, you just don’t seem to realize it… I guess I am tired and I should let your family know about this… If not, they may lose without even knowing anything happening to you…”
Darryl: “No… Don’t tell them… I need you… Please don’t leave me here…”
Kenny: “You must be tired... Have a rest…”

Darryl hangs on to Kenny hands… But Kenny pushed it away and tug him to bed…

To be continue….

Love Is... (Part 51 - Bad News)

3 days in the hospital but Darryl is still very emotional unstable…

He knew that something is not right but he will put up a smiley face to Kenny whenever he come to visit… Darryl is exhausted but then he doesn’t want Kenny to worry further… It is a very complicated kind of feeling… Darryl seems to lost himself in the process… He still has not get over the death of grandma and the guilt… Not yet…

Kenny however calls him earlier to inform him that he will be late to visit him so Darryl was alone on the room thinking and crying… Then the door pushed opened… Its Robin…

Robin: “Hey, how you doing?”
Darryl: “Kenny told you?” Darryl trying hide the tears…
Robin: “Yup… How can you be ok when you still crying?”
Darryl: “I told him not to inform you… I’ll be fine… I just need more time…”
Robin: “Take your time, don’t pressurise yourself too much…”
Darryl: “I know.”
Robin: “I hope you won’t do those silly things again… Life is too short to just end it like this…”
Darryl: “I know… So when are you leaving?”
Robin: “Tomorrow night...”
Darryl: “Sorry… Didn’t really have time to be with you since you are back…”
Robin: “Nothing to be sorry about… You are going through a difficult time as well…”
Darryl: “You ok? You look unwell…”
Robin: “Yup I am… Just broke off with Tommy…” (Side Note: Tommy is Robin boyfriend of 7years…)
Darryl: “What happen?”
Robin: “He decided to call it off all sudden on day saying that he don’t want to hurt me further… I didn’t know what was wrong either…”
Darryl: “Did you call him?”
Robin: “Yup but I just couldn’t get him…”
Darryl: “When was that?”
Robin: “2 months ago”
Darryl: “How come you didn’t mention anything about it when we spoke? You want to talk about it?”

Robin opened up to Darryl about his relationship with Tommy and how things go downhill to Tommy initiated the break off…

Darryl: “So he did not mention anything else besides not wanting to hurt you anymore…”
Robin: “I’m confused too in the beginning… Not sure what he means about hurting me... He has not hurt me before emotionally… He has not cheated as far as I know… So what he mean? Then I saw him again 2 weeks ago and have a shock of my life… He is so weak and pale like he is on some kind of drugs… I went over to say hi, but he ignored me totally… “
Darryl: “Could you have recognised someone else by mistake?”
Robin: “I am very sure about it because of the unique tattoo that we have on our arms… So cannot be wrong… Seriously if not for the tattoo, I would not have recognise him as well…”
Darryl: “Did you find out what happen to him?”
Robin: “Yup and the truth hurt…”
Darryl: “It ok if you don’t want to talk about it…”
Robin: “Well... He fallen in love with a queen in Bangkok and since then I guess our relationship already no turning back…”
Darryl: “Sorry…”
Robin: “No worry… It just meant to be…And I also found out…”
Darryl: “Found out?”
Robin: “I am HIV positive…”
Darryl: “WHAT!!!”
Robin: “I’m HIV positive…”

Darryl could not believe this sentence… It can’t be… It can never be… Both Tommy and Robin were so faithful to each other… How can such things happen… To Darryl, Robin and Tommy is like a model couple, the perfect couple, a match made in heaven… First the news of them breaking up and now Robin is HIV positive… What is wrong? What is wrong to his world?”

Robin: “Did I frighten you with the news?”
Darryl: “…..”
Robin: “Darryl, you ok? Darryl?” Robin shook him lightly and Darryl regained his composure…
Darryl: “How?... When?... Ahhh…”
Robin: “After I saw him on the street and find out that he been with a queen, a little voice inside me ask me to go for the test… It is the longest wait; I ever go through in my life… Every day, every hour, every minute and every second seems to stop the moment I walk into the doctor clinic to get tested… When the result is out,….. *sobbing*…. My world just collapses…”
Darryl: “Shhh.... I here with you…”

But deep down inside Darryl, his heart is crying. He give Robin a hug and tried to comfort him… He looked at Robin and thought that as much as he is going through so much in his life but yet he is here with him to help him through… But for Darryl, he is at a lost on what else he can do or say… What else?

Darryl: “Are you on medication?”
Robin: “Nope…”
Darryl: “Why?”
Robin: “There is no cure for it anyway… So why bothered?”
Darryl: “But it helps…”
Robin: “No use… I have given up… Frankly speaking, I never want to come by this trip in the first place but I realised that this could be the last time I see you so I decided to come…”
Darryl: “Don’t say that… Don’t say that…” Darryl started crying too…

Nothing was exchange after that… Both of them just hugged each other tightly for the unspoken comfort that 2 best friends have…

“Everything in my life seems going downhill. People in my life are leaving me behind… Why am I still here? I need to be strong for them but I am tired… I am tired of being the strong person that people see me… I tired of being strong for other… I hated myself for being so superficial… I hated myself… Why are all these happening to me? WHY? WHY?? WHY??? I cannot take these anymore… I cannot take it anymore….” Darryl thought to himself…

He looked at Robin in his teary eyes…

Darryl: “Don’t give up… Don’t give up… Promise me that you will not give up the fight… Please promise me… It not the end yet… Go see a doctor and start the medication… Please… Please”
Robin: “OK…”

Unknown to Darryl, this is just a lie that Robin say to put him at ease…. That is the second last time he ever see Robin….

To be continue...

Love Is... (Part 50 - The Other Realm)

It was a dark and cold here… In the darkness, there is a stream of light leading to a warmer place… As Darryl walk toward the light, it gets warmer and warmer…

All the sudden, a bright light shone onto Darryl… It’s blinding him… He uses his hand to cover his eyes…

“Boy, why are you here?” a familiar voice said… The voice is so warm and heartfelt… He slowly removes his hand…

“Grandma!” Darryl shouted and tried to hug her… But no matter how he tried… He can’t seems to touch her… “Grandma! Why can’t I?”

Grandma: “Boy, we are in different world now… You know it right…”
Darryl: “No, you are standing in front of me… What you mean we are in different world?”
Grandma: “Boy, why do you do such silly thing?”
Darryl: “Grandma, I cannot live without you… It’s too much pain for me to go through… I feel so bad and guilty everyday…I made a terrible mistake for you”
Grandma: “You did nothing wrong for me… You did the right thing… I will still be suffering if you didn’t make the decision… I want to thank you for doing that for me…”
Darryl: “No… I did it wrong… I don’t you to go… I miss you” Darryl cried…
Grandma: “It always hard to say goodbye… But when time is up, we just have to… We cannot avoid it… Its life we are talking about… It’s a cycle… How long more do you think I will be around?”
Darryl: “As long as you can… I am so helpless without you… I am so lonely without you…”
Grandma: “You are wrong… Now you are leaving lots of other people sad… Did you realise it when you commit suicide?”
Darryl: “No… I just want to die… I feel so lonely without… I just want to be with you”
Grandma: “Silly boy, you are never alone… You have Kenny, Robin, Mum, Dad, Sisters and many more… You know how sad they will be now if they never get to see you again.”
Darryl: “But…. I just want to be with you…”
Grandma: “Boy, you don’t belong here… Go back… Go back and live your life…”
Darryl: “No… I want to stay here with you… I want to be with you…”
Grandma: “You don’t belong here… Go back… Go back before it too late…”
Darryl: “Grandma, don’t go… don’t go… Don’t leave me again… Grandma! Grandma!”

Grandma started to drift further and further… Darryl cannot make out what she is saying anymore… A strong force pull Darryl away from the light and back into the darkness…

Beep… Beep… Beep…

As Darryl gained consciousness, he noticed oxygen mask on his face causing some pain. The next thing I knew, I heard someone’s voice saying,

“We got him back… All right, wheel him back to the ICU. Inform his family members.”

He drifted off to sleep.

When Darryl gained consciousness, he found himself on the hospital bed of a private room, hooking up to a dripping machine. He looked up & saw Kenny holding on to his hand…

Kenny: “You ok?”
Darryl: “Look like I didn’t succeed…”
Kenny: “Why are you doing this?”
Darryl: “The pain of losing her is too much…”
Kenny: “Then what about me and everybody else? We mean nothing to you is it? You can just leave me here like that? I almost lost you and the past 2 days waiting for you to open your eyes is totally unbearable… I though I losing you when I holding you in my arms feeling your cold body… I… I… I…” Kenny started crying…
Darryl: “I’m sorry…”
Kenny: “How can you be so selfish? You are not the only one who miss Grandma… I miss her too… She is like my own… All the time, we spend together with her and everything… I missed her too…”
Darryl: “I know…”
Kenny: “Then are you doing this? Why?”
Darryl: “I… I… I…”
Kenny: “You know I don’t even dare to tell your parents about it… I don’t know how to tell them about you… I don’t know how to tell them I didn’t take good care of you… I failed my responsibility as a partner… I…”
Darryl: “No you didn’t… I just didn’t think in my right mind… Sorry…”

Darryl wanted so much to give Kenny hug and console him but yet he is constraint with all the machine and needles… All he could say is Sorry… Looking at Kenny, Darryl feels guilty toward him… He saw Kenny tears flowing down his cheeks, each tear weight so heavily dripping in his heart…

“Grandma is right… Just Kenny, he already feels so indebted with his actions… What about other people in my life… I feel so confused and sad… What is happening to me? What is wrong with me?” Darryl thought…

Darryl: “Dear… I’m sorry…”
Kenny: “Don’t ever do this again… I cannot handle you leaving me… The thought of you not being around me… Seeing you lying there motionlessly… I am so helpless… I do not know what to do… I am so scared…”
Darryl: “I’m really sorry…”
Kenny: “Don’t you ever ever do it again…” Darryl nodded…
Darryl: “I’m really sorry… Don’t cry… I’m sorry”
Kenny: “Promise me… Don’t leave me this way…”
Darryl: “Hmmm…” Kenny calm himself down a bit…
Kenny: “You hungry?”
Darryl: “A bit…”
Kenny: “I go get some food for you…”
Darryl: “OK…” Kenny give Darryl a kiss in the lip and left to get some food…

An even more frightening thought conquer Darryl… He started to slump deeper into this territory… A territory known as depression…

To be continue…

Love Is... (Part 49 - Wrong Move Again)

After the funeral, everybody seems to be back to their life except for Darryl… He try to move on with his life and pretending to be strong to everybody but then it just not the same to him since her departure… Nothing seems right in Darryl life anymore… He started to drink and smoke heavily everyday…

This is a side that Kenny has not seen Darryl in before… He is worry and tries his very best to be with him and help him get over this difficult period… But no matter what he does, Darryl just keep pushing him further and further away… He is totally lost of what to do and then he thought of Robin… He decided to check whether Robin will be able to make a trip down here…

It was the evening when Robin arrived, Kenny went to pick Darryl up from work and head to the airport directly…

Darryl: “Why are you heading to the airport?”
Kenny: “Nothing much… Just head there for food and have a walk…”
Darryl: “OK”
Kenny: “Dear, you have been drinking quite a lot recently… Anything I can do to help you?”
Darryl: “Nothing…”
Kenny: “I know you feeling low… And I am here for you”
Darryl: “Thanks but I’m fine…”
Kenny: “You are not… Have you notice you been pushing me aside more and more… If I didn’t pick you today… I may not even see you…”
Darryl: “I just busy and need to entertainment some clients…”
Kenny: “I know… But…”
Darryl: “I just busy ok… Don’t worry so much…! Stop interrogating me…” Darryl shouted…
Kenny: “I am not interrogating you… I am just concern… You have been drinking like nobody business… Why? Is it because of grandma… You think that drinking will help you get over your pain”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “Then what is it?”
Darryl: “…”
Kenny: “You know this is not going to revive her… So why are you destroying yourself?”
Darryl: “…”
Kenny: “You are killing me slowly, you realise it? I am your lover but you are not talking to me… I want to help you but I can’t do it if you don’t open up to me… So please talk to me…?”
Darryl: “I am really ok… I will look for you if I need you… I promise…”
Kenny: “Sure?”
Darryl: “Yes… I promise”
Kenny: “It was supposed to be a surprise… but I think better let you know now… Robin is actually in town so we are going to pick him up…”
Darryl: “Is he? How come you din tell me earlier...”
Kenny: “I was so worry for you and you have not been talking to me so I was wondering whether his presence here will be better so I just called him… And so happen that he will be in town for 1 week or so… That why…”
Darryl: “Ok… What time will he arrive?”
Kenny: “He told me his flight will arrive at 745pm… So by the time, we reach there should be just nice…”
Darryl: “OK”

Once reached airport, Robin is actually at the arrival hall waiting for them. They went forward to give him a hug…

Robin: “Sorry for the loss… It must be tough for you” Robin said.
Darryl: “I’m ok… Don’t worry… Where will you be staying?”
Robin: “I will be at Westin Hotel this time round… Heard it kind of fun…”
Darryl: “Enjoy then…”
Kenny: “Let check you into the hotel first then go for dinner…” All of them agreed…

With the checking in done, Kenny approached Robin to talk to Darryl in hope that Darryl will open up to him. Kenny give the excuse that he go and buy dinner so they eat in the room and relax so to create opportunity for Robin to talk to Darryl…

Robin: “How have you been holding up?”
Darryl: “I’m fine…”
Robin: “Don’t lied to me… I know you… Tell me the truth…”
Darryl: “I….” Darryl just broke down and cry. Robin went up and gives him hug…
Robin: “I know it hard… I know”
Darryl: “I feel so bad and pain that I so wanted to die…”
Robin: “Don’t think about such thing… It not going to help you beside I am sure she will not be happy to see you like this…It not going to be easy for sure but you have to live through the pain…”

Darryl started talking to Robin about his feeling and the decision and everything that he is trying to avoid now… Everything was being told to Robin….

Robin: “Have you tried talking to Kenny?”
Darryl: “No…”
Robin: “Why?”
Darryl: “I don’t know… I just don’t want to talk to him…”
Robin: “But this is serious… You are having thought of suicide… I need to tell him”
Darryl: “No... Don't..."

Robin: "Why?"

Darryl: "I don't know... Maybe i don't want him to worry" Darryl lied...
Robin: “Stop it… Stop having all these thought… Somehow, I am glad that I am here now with you… But why do harbour such thought?
Darryl: “I don’t know… All I know is I am such a let down…”
Robin: “Silly… If you are a letdown, then why are so many caring for you…”

Darryl started talking to Robin with regards to certain incident and conversation he had with grandma that eventually lead to the decision but then he still feel that he did not made the right decision… This thought is eating him up everyday…

Kenny thought that after this conversation with Robin, everything should be ok but never did he thought that he will find Darryl unconscious on the bathroom floor the next morning…

To be continue…

Love Is... (Part 48 - Breakdown)

Since that moment, Darryl has not spoken a single word to anybody including Kenny… This persisted over the wake… No words were spoken by Darryl, nothing were being eaten, everyday is just sleepless night for Darryl…Everyone in the family gets worried but no matter who tried to talk to him, Darryl just refused to speak… Nothing at all…

But day after day, Kenny just keep trying and trying… He knew that Darryl is hiding his feeling like a zombie. He knew that Darryl was feeling really hurt by the news and maybe Darryl is feeling guilty about the decision that he made… Seeing Darryl in this state really kill Kenny… He walked to Darryl another time and tried again…

“Dear, please stop torturing yourself… Please… It really hurt me to see you like this… You have not eaten, sleep or talk for the past 4 days… And tomorrow is the funeral, we need you there… Please, Dear… Please don’t do this… Grandma will be sad to see you like this… And you know it… You know it very well that she is sad seeing you like this… She is not out of your life if you don’t want her to… She will always be by your side… She will always look after and protect you… You know it, don’t you? Can you please talk to me… Even if it is just one word, can you?”

No response still…

“Dear, the family needs you, I need you and grandma needs you… I brought some food with me… Can you just eat some? I’ll feed you…”

Kenny scoops up the rice and brings to Darryl but Darryl refused to eat…

“Haiz… Al least let me know what else can I do for you, I leave the food here for you…?”

Kenny put the food down and walked away…

Inside Darryl’s heart, he knows what Kenny trying to do… But then he was being shut out by the guilt… It is because of his selfish decision that grandma is died… If he allowed the doc to save grandma, maybe she will still be here… Maybe she will be well… Maybe she will be discharge soon… And it because of this guilt that push him into denial… The struggle inside him, the confusion that he has, the sadness that he feel… All just jumble up…

Whenever he saw everyone crying, the guilt just double and even triple inside him… Did he make a mistake? Did he make the wrong decision? Did he make the decision too impulsively?... All these questions keep repeating inside him…

He knew when people come over to talk to him, but he just does not know what to say to them He was dumbfounded… He does not even dare to look at them in the eyes…

On the day of the funeral, Darryl appears from the back of the venue and walks toward grandma… He leans forward and give grandma another look…Everyone was shocked to see Darryl so composed and steady… Kenny walked up to him…

“You ok?”
“Yes…”
“Finally… You talk…”
“Sorry about it…”
“No… Don’t be… As long as you are doing ok, I am fine with it…”
“Yes…”

"You be ok?"

"Trying to..."

"I will be here if you need me..."

"Thanks..."

"Love you..."

"Love you too..."

Then the farewell ritual start, script were chanted and family members were asked to gather around to bid farewell to grandma... Everyone were shouting and crying to bid farewell except for Darryl... He stood at the side of grandma and remain silent... Kenny saw it and know that Darryl is trying very hard to control... But he do not want him to control himself... He really wanted Darryl to let go because for the past few days, as much as Darryl din spoke to him... He feel his pain and his struggle... So Kenny walked up to Darryl and give him a hug...

"Let it go... Cry it out... I know you wanted to... Don't control it anymore... Just cry it out"

With this push from Kenny, Darryl burst into tears...

"Grandma, Grandma, GRANDMA!!!! Don't go.... Don't go.... Come back... Grandma!!! Grandma!!!"

Darryl finally breakdown... All the emotions he had inside him is being released out... All the pain he had all this while... The denial stage he is in just to avoid the truth... Everything, every emotions were all out...

"Grandma... I'm sorry... Sorry for not being a good grandson to you... Don't leave me... Grandma... I'm Sorry... Sorry... Grandma... Sorry for making the decision... Sorry... Sorry for killing you... Its all my fault... Its all my fault.... Grandma... Its all my fault... Its all my fault... Grandma... I shouldn't have made the decision... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Grandma... Wake up... Grandma... Don't leave me... GRANDMA!!!!"

Kenny tried to console and calm him down but in the end he too was affected by the breakdown... He hugs Darryl and cried as well...

It going to be hard for everyone especially Darryl as grandma is the only woman in his life that matter the most to him... He finally understand why Darryl remain silence all this while... Because he feel guilty for making the decision and Kenny blamed himself for not being able to notice it earlier....

But unknown to Kenny, the breakdown of Darryl has lead Darryl into a place so deep inside a place that none of them have expected it to happen....

To be continue...

Love Is... (Part 47 - Denial)

He sat up and saw nobody around… He was in a room… A room unfamiliar to him… The room felt so cold…

“Where am I? Where is everybody?” Darryl said softly and trying to get out of where he is… But he can’t move... He tried again and again but every time, he remained… He tried to shout for help but he can’t… Darryl started to panic… “What is going on?” Darryl thought…

He saw an old lady by the door… His vision is so blur, he could not make out who the old lady was... But he knows that the old lady is someone close to him… The image approaches him closer and closer…

Darryl: “Grandma…”
Grandma: “Boy, you doing ok?”
Darryl: “Yes… As long as you are here with me”
Grandma: “I can’t stay long as you know Grandma is old already…”
Darryl: “I know… But I really cannot do without you…”
Grandma: “Nothing is impossible, boy… You should know it… You are a survivor… And I have faith with you… You will lead your life well… And I will always near you… You know it…”
Darryl: “I know… “
Grandma: “Boy, Grandma old liao and need to rest… Sorry I cannot stay long…”
Darryl: “It ok… Grandma, you go home and rest… I will see when I go home tonight…”
Grandma: “Remember boy… Grandma always will be by your side no matter what happen… Goodbye, my dear grandson… Goodbye…” Grandma lean forward and give a light peck on Darryl forehead and within a second, she is gone…

“Darryl… Darryl… Wake up…” a voice coming from nowhere was calling his name…

He opened his eyes and saw Kenny…

Kenny: “Are you ok?”
Darryl: “Dear, I had a bad dream…”
Kenny: “Tell me about it…”
Darryl: “I dreamt that Grandma was died and I didn’t manage to see her one last time… Then the next moment, she was standing in front of me and talking to me…”
Kenny: “Dear… about that…”
Darryl: “She said that she needs to leave already because she is old and need to rest… So I say I see her tonight…”
Kenny: “Dear…”
Darryl: “She even given me a kiss on my forehead… and say goodbye… I can’t wait to see her tonight… Need to tell her this dream…”
Kenny: “Dear… about grandma…”
Darryl: “You know what I better give her a call and inform her that I’m ok… Guess she must be worry about me…”
Kenny: “Dear… Stop… Can you listen to me?”
Darryl: “Can’t you wait? I just want to make a quick call to grandma and tell her I’m ok… I don’t want her to be worry… Looking at her face just now I can tell she is worry… Just let me make the call first…”
Kenny: “No… Stop it… Grandma has passed away this morning…”
Darryl: “What are you talking about? I just saw her…”
Kenny: “Dear… Listen to me… Grandma is gone… You are not dreaming about it… It’s the truth…”
Darryl: “NO!!! Don’t you curse her… She is home right now… I will call her now to prove to you…”

Darryl dialed the number… No answer… He tried again… No answer… and again… Still no answer…

Darryl: “Grandma is not home…”
Kenny: “Do you believe me now?”
Darryl: “Stop it… She may go out with mum… I’ll call mum to prove to you…”
Kenny: “She is not with your mum… She is dead…”
Darryl: “NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! STOP IT!!! SHE IS NOT DEAD!!! She said she will be with me no matter what happen… You liar… GO AWAY!!! I HATE YOU… WHAT HAS SHE DO TO YOU THAT YOU KEEP CURSING HER…”
Kenny: “I am not… You just have to pull it together… She is gone and will not come back… She will be looking after you from above…”
Darryl: “NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! She is just playing a prank on me… I’ll call mum and I’m sure she is with mum…”
Kenny: “Dear, please stop… You are hurting everyone here… She is gone”
Darryl: “NO!!! NO!!! NO!!! I don’t want listen to you… I hate you… Go away…”
Kenny: “Look where you are now… You are in the hospital… You fainted just now… remember? You were in camp and you got a call from hospital… You rushed down but it was too late… Remember…?”
Darryl: “How do you know about my dream…?”
Kenny: “Because it is not a dream… It’s the truth… She is gone…”
Darryl: “No… She is not… Stop playing the prank with me…”
Kenny: “Enough already!!! Look she is gone and you make the decision to not revive her so you know what is going to happen…”
Darryl: “NO… It is just a dream… She will not leave me like that… She will not…”

Just then, all family members walked through the door…

Darryl: “Why are you are here? Where is grandma?”

No answer from them…

Darryl: “Tell me why are all of you here? Who is taking care of grandma? How can you all leave her alone at home… I tried calling her and no one pick up the phone… Can some of you go back to see how she is?”

Still no answer…

Darryl: “What is wrong with you all? I said somebody goes home and see how is she doing?”
Kenny: “Dear… You have to listen to me… Grandma passed away this morning…”

Darryl looked at around the room… Nobody dare to look at him… His nephew comes up to him and gives him a hug… Darryl saw everyone start to cry… Kenny hold on to his hand…

Kenny: “Dear, she is gone…”

Tears was flowing down his cheeks…

Love Is... (Part 46 - Grandma 2)

The whole night, Darryl didn’t sleep at all… He rested in Kenny warmth hug the whole night… Inside his mind, he keeps telling himself he is going to lose the only woman he had ever loved in his life very soon… But yet he can’t bear to see her leave… Confusing feeling…

Kenny: “Dear, what time you need to go to camp?”
Darryl: “7.30… But I really don’t feel like going…”
Kenny: “Can you not go?”
Darryl: “Nope…”
Kenny: “Then I guess no choice already… But you are not in the correct condition to drive… I drive you there”
Darryl: “Don’t you need to work…”
Kenny: “You should know better… I send you home to freshen up first then to breakfast before heading to camp…”
Darryl: “I want to stay longer… You go to the car and bring my toiletries bag… I freshen up here…”
Kenny: “OK… I buy breakfast too…”
Darryl: “OK…”

Soon it time to leave grandma and head to camp, Darryl informed the head nurse to contact him if grandma is not doing well before he left… Kenny asked him to not to worry as everything will be fine as doctor always give the worst scenario…

The whole morning, Darryl was unable to concentrate on his lesson… His mind was still in the hospital with his grandma…

At 0945, an unfamiliar number shown on his phone. Darryl requested to be excuse from the class for a moment…

“Mr Darryl, I’m calling from NUH… Your grandmother is in critical condition… You may want to make your way here fast…” Darryl rushed into the class and asked for to be excuse from the class today…

He dashed out of the camp real quick to get a cab… But no cab was in sight; he panicked and run down the street to look for cab… Finally he got a cab….

“NUH… Fast…”

While he was on the road, he prayed to god that he will be able to see grandma one last time to bid goodbye… He called his sister…

Darryl: “Where are you?”
Sister: “I’m reaching…”
Darryl: “I’m on a cab there now should be there in another 15min max…”
Sister: “OK, please be quick…”
Darryl: “OK…”

He called Kenny and tells Kenny that he is on his way to the hospital… Kenny said he will go there immediately… Then come the call from Sister… Darryl picked up and can hear crying in the background….

Darryl: "Hello...."

Sister: “No need to rush already… Grandma gone… I didn’t even manage to see her… I was late by 1 min…” Tears flowed down Darryl cheeks…
Driver: “Sir, are you ok…”
Darryl: “Yup… Take your time… It’s too late already… She’s gone”
Driver: “My condolences... I will get you there as fast as i can...”
Darryl: “Thanks”

He tried very hard to compose himself before reaching the hospital as he promise himself he will be strong for everyone… Finally he reached the hospital, even though it was just a short ride left to the hospital but to Darryl, it was the longest ride ever in his life…

Darryl got of the cab just keep running… No matter how fast he run, the lift just seems so far away… He just kept on running… Everything seems so far away….

The lift door opened, everybody including Kenny was there… and Darryl realised he is the last one to reach…

“I want to see her… She will not leave me like that… She will not leave me without waiting for me…”

Darryl ran towards the room… Kenny tried to catch up but Darryl was too fast… He reached the room and he stopped… He seems to hesitate to go in or not… Kenny told him that he should not go in if he is not ready to see her in this state… Darryl insisted…

He pushed open the door… The room felt so cold and he saw the bed was being covered up with a cloth… He didn’t see his grandma but the cloth… He approached the bed and with his shivering hand, he lifted the cloth slowly and saw his grandma face so pale and crooked… He knows his grandma was suffering before she died… Immediately he burst into tears and cried…

“Ah Mah!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!! Don’t leave me like that … WAKE UP!!! Ah Mah… WAKE UP!!! You cannot leave like that... I am here… Don’t sleep… Wake up” Darryl went totally uncontrollable…

“WAKE UP!!!! Don’t leave me… You promised… Wake up… Wake up… Wake up… Don’t leave me…. Ah Mah…. Don’t leave me… Wake up…. Ah Mah… Wake up… I am here… Ah Mah… I’m here… Open your eyes… Don’t leave me behind… Ah Mah…I’m here… Wake up…” Darryl collapsing on the floor still mumbling… “Wake up… Wake up…”

Kenny gives Darryl a hug

Kenny: “Shhhh… Dear, she’s gone…”
Darryl: “Wake up… Wake up…”
Kenny: “She will not wake up anymore…”
Darryl: “Wake up… Don’t leave me like that…”
Kenny: “Shhhh… Just cry it out…. Shhhh….” Darryl burst into loud cry....
Darryl: “She will not leave me like this…”
Kenny: “She’s gone… Shhhh… Let go out and have a breather…”

Kenny helped Darryl out and put him on the chair… He leaned forward and talk to Darryl

Kenny: “You know she is gone because you have made the decision last night. You said you don’t want to see her suffer and even ask her to rest in peace… So she did it… You have to be strong… Everyone here need you to be strong… I know it hard but I am here… OK?”
Darryl: “…”
Kenny: “For everyone here, you need to calm down and be strong… Grandma will be sad to see you like this…She will be sad” Darryl lifted up his head and look at Kenny…

Darryl fainted….

To be continue….

Love Is... (Part 45 - Grandma 1)

It been more than 2 weeks now since Darryl spoke to Kenny… He still very unsure of what he wanted but then he knew that he misses him very much…

During these 2 weeks, everything has been going downhill for Darryl… He was totally messed up… His beloved grandma was in the hospital, he was back in camp for a one week course as a part of preparation for next year major exercise, most importantly he like a walking zombie without Kenny in his life…

More than once, he wanted to pick up the phone to call him but he does not have the courage to do so because he does not know what to say to Kenny…

But guess thing just happen when you least expected it... He was supposed to return a call to a client…

Darryl: “Hi, This is Darryl… May I know who this on the line?”
Kenny: “And I actually thought you finally called me… But I guess you dialled the wrong number…”
Darryl: “Oh… Sorry…”
Kenny: “It’s OK… You better go return your call first… Bye”
Darryl: “Wait….” But Kenny hang up…

Darryl proceeds to return his call to his client and after talking on the phone for more than 30min which Darryl was totally not concentrating… His whole mind is about Kenny… After ending the call, he picked up his courage to call Kenny but this time round no answer… His heart sank…

Within minutes, his phone ring….

Darryl: “Hello…”
Kenny: “You called or is it dialled wrongly again…”
Darryl: “Yes, I called... How have you been?”
Kenny: “Moving along I guess… Trying to do my work…”
Darryl: “Are you busy?”
Kenny: “Guess I can talk for a while… So how have you been?”
Darryl: “Miserable… Grandma is in a hospital”
Kenny: “Is she ok?”
Darryl: “Not really… Doc asked us to be prepared…”
Kenny: “Oh… Are you OK?”
Darryl: “I’m in a mess…”
Kenny: “What happen?”
Darryl: “I…..”
Kenny: “Where is Grandma? I go visit her later…” Darryl gave him the address…
Darryl: “I….”
Kenny: “Yup….”
Darryl: “I…. I…. I miss you…”
Kenny: “I miss you too… Where are you now?”
Darryl: “In camp… Going through a course for some exercise thingy next year…”
Kenny: “Oh yes… You told me before… What time you finish? Maybe we visit grandma together…”
Darryl: “Think should be 5… I go and pick you up?”
Kenny: “OK… You mind telling me your decision…”
Darryl: “I pick you up from work at 5.30pm… I give you a call when I am near…”
Kenny: “OK…”
Darryl: “Get to return to the class… Break over… I see you later… Love you, Dear”
Kenny: “I love you too…” Darryl can hear Kenny smiling…

Somehow, time flies by real fast after the call… Darryl sms Kenny saying that he will be reaching in less than 10min… Kenny replied already waiting at the junction…

Nervous feeling start filling up Darryl as he approached nearer… This is the first meeting with Kenny in 2 weeks after that drastic night… Darryl’s heart is pumping really fast… From far, he saw Kenny standing there waving at him… Kenny boarded the car and lean forward to kiss Darryl…

Kenny: “Long time no see…”
Darryl: “Only 2 weeks…”
Kenny: “It’s the longest time in my life from not seeing my lover…” Darryl smiled…
Darryl: “You want to grab something to eat first…”
Kenny: “I’m not hungry… Are you?”
Darryl: “A bit but think can wait till later…”
Kenny: “We go and grab something light first…”
Darryl: “OK…”

They head to a nearby eatery to have some bread and coffee…

Kenny: “So are we ok now?”
Darryl: “Actually I still unsure but I know you are missing from my life and I am very miserable without you around me…”
Kenny: “Me too… So are we good…”
Darryl: “As long as this ring remains on my finger, it means the commitment I have to you will not lessen by the day… I guess that day I just caught off guard by our actions with Sam”
Kenny: “I am too… But let just forget it, ok?”
Darryl: “Ok…”
Kenny: “I did went to send him off though… because I feel real bad the evening as I don’t want him to feel that he is a ONS…”
Darryl: “I understand… Shall we go?”
Kenny: “OK…”

They left and headed to the hospital… Everybody was there… Darryl sensed something bad is happening…

Darryl: “What's wrong?”
Sister: “Doctor want us to make a decision on whether to revive her if her heart go flat”
Darryl: “Hmmm…”
Sister: “Dad said leave the decision to you because you are the closest to her…”
Darryl: “Where’s Dad?”
Sister: “Mum brought him to take a break at the cafeteria…”
Darryl: “I go and see grandma…”

Darryl was by the side of the bed looking at grandma… Tears flowed down his cheeks and Kenny move forward and give him a hug…

Darryl: “Give me sometime alone with her…”
Kenny: “I’ll be outside…”

Nobody knows what goes on in the room but when Darryl walked out… He made an decision…

Darryl: “Just let her go…”
Sister: “You sure?”
Darryl: “Yup” Apparently this is the hardest thing that Darryl has to say, everybody in the family was crying the moment the words come out of Darryl’s mouth.
Kenny: “You need to take a rest…”
Darryl: “No… I’m ok… Sis, why not you bring ma and pa home? I stay here tonight… Anything I will call you… They need to rest…”
Sister: “You sure?”
Darryl: “I get Kenny to send you home… Can?” He looked at Kenny
Kenny: “Yup… I send them home then buy some food for you later when I come back…”
Darryl: “OK…”

So all of them left except Darryl… He walked into the room and sit by his grandma side… Holding her hand and spoke to her…

“Even though I cannot change the ending, but I just want you to know that you are the best grandma I can never imagine to have… You are not just my grandma but also my soulmate who never failed to listen to me and give me guidance… Without you, there will not be me… How am I supposed to do without you? Can you please get well…? Please grandma… I need you… “ Darryl started to cry… He saw tears flowing down the corner of grandma eyes… “Grandma, I love you…. Don’t worry about me… You just rest in peace…”

Darryl is struggling with his emotion and thought… He is struggling because he doesn’t want his grandma to leave him… He is struggling because he doesn’t want his grandma to suffer… He just keeps holding her hand and look at her…

Not long after, Kenny returned…

Kenny: “You ok?”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “Take it easy, ok?”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “You have to…”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “I know you are struggling…”
Darryl: “No…”
Kenny: “Dear, please… Grandma wouldn’t want to see you like this…”
Darryl: “No…” Kenny can see the tears and he hugs Darryl tightly
Kenny: “Cry it out… You will feel better… I know it tough on you to see her like that and make the decision… Just cry it out…”

To be continue…