Happy or Sad

Today will be a big challenge to me for my emotions... It's gonna stretch me to the extreme...

I am confused whether i should go to either one but i guess a promise is a promise... I promise X that we will go to a birthday chalet together today but then X is no longer around to go with me anymore...

Today at 2pm will be X's funeral... And almost each night, i will make myself to the wake to at least be there for the family even for just a short period... Plus i really miss having X around... He is always the joker among my group of friends...

We actually plan a prank for the birthday guy but now eveything change...

I am not sure how i will be feeling or how i should be feeling... Is it better for me not to go to the birthday party... Or should i not go for the funeral... I know i will be sad cos today is the last day i will ever see my friend again... But am i able to suppress the sadness and just be happy during the chalet...

I am really lost... I don't know how i should be feeling... I am crying and typing at this moment...

I am lost... 2 different situations, 2 different feelings.... Can i achieve it and be both of each of them? Or should i just give up on one? Or should i forgo both? What can i do now?

I miss you, X... Hope you can hear me from where you are... :(